Wednesday, January 2, 2013


The Worst Films of 2012

Another year draws to a close and thanks to the invention of the MOVIEPASS I find myself still discerning but at the very least more willing to see films I would have otherwise ignored.

Oddly enough this years worst ten is comprised mostly of genre films. Now there were a few actions films, comedies and dramas that didn't make my list because these were clearly the worst. Many of those featured big names such as Morgan Freeman, Johnny Depp, Robert DeNiro, Jane Fonda, Liam Neeson and Sacha Baron Cohen just to name a few.

So here we go, THE TEN WORST FILMS OF 2012...

10. The Barrens (2012)

This psychological/thriller had the potential to be decent at the very least. In it a father takes his family camping in the Jersey Pine Barrens. As the film progresses things start happening, people start dying and seeds are planted that perhaps the Jersey Devil is behind them. We eventually learn that the father has been bitten by the rabid family dog. He doesn't seek treatment and starts to exhibit symptoms. As a viewer you believe that okay there isn't a Jersey Devil the father is clearly descending into madness due to rabies. However in the conclusion it is revealed there really is a Jersey Devil, a bad CGI one at that, and it was behind all the killings. Clearly the filmmakers were kowtowing to their genre audience and this ending undermined any good will that came before it.

My rating: *1/2

9. Wrath of the Titans

The 2010 remake of "Clash of the Titans" was pretty bad. Again with a sequel the only way to go is up. In this case the sequel is better but it's still a pretty bad movie. Perseus must do battle on many fronts as he tries to save heaven and earth. The visual effects may have improved but this one is dull.

My rating: *1/2

8. Chernobyl Diaries

Mutants are living in Chernobyl. The hows are whys are never clearly explained nor does it make any sense nor does anyone really care why. An interesting grain of an idea whose premise wears thin pretty fast and just as quickly forgettable.

My rating: *1/2

7. The Devil's Carnival

Darren Lynn Bousman has the distinction of appearing on my list twice, he wrote and directed "The Barrens." Here he has fashioned together a horror musical. Yes I did say musical. Three lost souls must fast judgement, repent or spend an eternity in hell. The choreography is uninspired and while there is music I wouldn't exactly call it music to the ears, not even to a deaf person.

My Rating: *1/2

6. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

"Ghost Rider" was amusingly bad. The sequel while better than the first is still pretty bad. Directed by the guys who did "Crank" I thought they could bring something to the franchise but instead this entry lacks energy which they are known for. Pretty forgetful movie because as I'm writing this I can't remember much of it. Well except maybe for Ghost Rider pissing fire. That was pretty stupid.

My rating: *1/2

5. Paranormal Activity 4

This franchise has clearly ran its course and exists solely for the fans who keep coming back. In the third film a witches coven was introduced and I really didn't like that aspect of the mythology. The fourth film further expands on what I didn't like prior so needless to say I thought this one was lame. Same old same old, carbon copy sequel that distances itself from what made the first two entertaining and original. Hell it isn't even scary.

My Rating: *1/2

4. Silent Hill: Revelations

I found the first "Silent Hill" disappointing. Great atmosphere and look but not all that scary or engaging. I found the second "Silent Hill" an insufferably slow and poorly executed horror movie that sets out to confuse the viewer more than scare them. I couldn't begin to tell what it all meant when it ended nor did I even care. I checked out on this one very early in the film so I was sitting there taking in the imagery and thinking of whatelse I could be doing at that moment. Bad!!!

My Rating: *

3. The Divide (2012)

This thriller has good acting and that's it. Plot developments get progressively stupider and stupider that by the end you just have to laugh at how bad it got. There is a plot point that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever except to make sure the last survivor has a particular item in order to get out of the bunker. I was shaking my head amazed nobody called the writer out and said what the hell are you doing.

My Rating: *

2. Branded

Okay so we have these crazy looking anime style things on our bodies that are driving us to consume. When we crave a McRib there's this creature that is driving us to it. Why? So that when the creature is satiated it in turn fuels the bigger creature that is the corporation. Are you following me? What? You don't get it? Seriously it's simple. You see there are creatures that are driving our need to consume...oh you got that. Yeah but you see the hero has the ability to control. Oh you don't care to hear any more. Well I had to sit through this turd so you will hear me out. Just kidding.

My Rating: *


1. Toys in the Attic (2012)

I enjoy animation, especially stop motion. However stop motion animation that is backed by a poorly written story that abandons all logic is unacceptable. The world where these toys exist is very much "Toy Story." They only come to life when humans aren't looking. So you'd think that because this is in the real world that the laws of physics would apply here...absolutely not. Pillows start floating because they're clouds you see. All that plastic coming off that spool is a flood of water, isn't it cool how it floods the whole attic. The animators even cheat when a close up of a bust is clearly the head of guy in makeup, unacceptable. When it all ends it literally goes down the drain. Children will be offended, toddlers will be asleep and adults will be fuming. When I saw this only two people were in the audience and one of them left after fifteen minutes. I should have followed them. This was one of the worst animated films I have seen in quite some time. Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.

My Rating: *

So there you have it, my picks for the worst films of 2012.

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